I'm too old for this shit

I really feel like I'm too old to do this. Really to old. Last time. At least last time like this, working for nothing. I came back because I love New York. Because I love the city. Because every time I walk and breathe in the air, I feel like I belong. I know I write this all the time. But it’s true. I just need to come here really by myself, different circumstances and really be myself.

33 days until I go home and I cant wait. Hopefully it goes by really fast. But I will enjoy myself, I will. And we shall see what happens when I go home. I will live with my dad (just saw a picture of my room, you better get those boxes out before I come home), I will start my last semester in Malmö write a BIG essay (hey I’m not scared….), and most important I will just be me. I will be spending time with friends, with my family, I will have fun in school, start too really workout. I will go out dancing, going to Copenhagen and just be 21. Because I will make sure 2010 will be a good year.

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give, and the soul afraid of dyin' that never learns to live"

Really?

There is something called fake hair. Can you believe it?? Amazing.

"To be yourself in a world that is trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

I’m so proud over myself, I’m really writing this story! I have finished 10 pages now and I keep writing, and painting my world. Going to send it to Caroline soon so she can read it and tell me what she things, I trust her. A lot.

Yep had a great day yesterday. Great great great great day.

''Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone"

I should be the happiest person alive today, but I just feel strange. Have this knot in my stomach that won’t go away. Want to cry but I don’t know why. Well I kind of know but it’s just silly. You know I just need to do this. Because I will otherwise always look back and wonder what could have been. Ah I don’t know what to feel today. I just know I can do better, be better. And I’m not. And the only one to blame is me. I hate when you only can blame yourself. I know I can do better. I know I can be better. So I will make sure I do better. I’m talking to the women in the mirror I’m asking her to make a change.

And No Message Could Have

Been Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The World

A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself

And

Then Make A Change

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you,

What would you wish you would've done

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day

My town is burning. Again. Upset. Mad.

"People living deeply have no fear of death." ~ Anais Ni

Life is not a spark in space
An episode of will and grace
Controversial yet mundane
Deborah's messing with your brain
Even scientologists know there's more to all of this
Search the ruins for trapped doors, wonder what you're put here for
Simple as a hint of gas climbing nostrils as you pass
Making Harvard graduates feel childish when they laugh at it
Climb the rungs to kingdom come, sour patch to acid tongue
Are you opposed to having fun? you clench the world between your buns

Just be happy.

Was just a little bit homesick. Fine now. Lying in our fort now. Love it. Kids love it. Good night. Good morning. Love you.

Let me go home

45 days. Jag vill hem. Till Sverige, till min familj. Jag vill såklart tillbaka en dag. Till NYC på mina egna villkor, kanske bara besök, kanske praktik, kanske jobb, kanske skola, eller kanske inte alls. Jag älskar Manhattan och känner mig hemma där. Men det är inte där jag spenderar min tid. Jag spenderar min tid i Ronkonkoma som jag inte tycker om.

Missförstå mig rätt.

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home

fly.

I'll spread my wings and

I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun

But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

"I am serious, so I laugh a lot. You need to laugh. You don't laugh enough. I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.”

Just danced in the pouring rain. Had people laughing at me but I really don’t mind, people can laugh at me or laugh with me as long as they are laughing.

Good night people. Or well... good morning Sweden. I'm going to bed now. Have everything ready for my walk tomorrow. Been so good now. Counting calories and all. (and sorry for the bad spelling, I'm dead tried, and really I cant even spell correct in Swedish)

Been writing all day my story is really taking its form and I’m proud over my world. And I’m writing it for myself, maybe one day I will send it to Caroline so she can read it and give me her honest thoughts. She is good that way.

Well good morning Sweden and good night New York. And I really have to fix my computer when I get back to Sweden.

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.”

I got this whole world in my head. Had it for several years, been writing down a few things about it and figuring out stories for that world. Yesterday a friend told me to write, to write my own world down, and that she thought it would be amazing. So I have spent hours writing this world down, everything about it. And I really don’t have any talent writing but I don’t care at all. Because this is my world, my story and my characters, and even if no one will ever read it I’m going to write it. Because I can.

Yes I'm 21. Not 16.

not a big deal. not a big deal at all.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

OMGOMGOMGOMGFREAKINGHELL:WHAT??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Like I said.... not a big deal

Family Matters

I love my new iPod. Today me and my iPod went for a long jog. Since I got here I lost almost 4 kilos. Long way to go but I’m on my way. I always loose weight here. You might think you would gain weight when you live with a family that owns a pizzeria. But no. I really don’t have a lot of the stress I got back in Sweden here. Well I do but it’s a different kind of stress. But I really do miss my family. Would they be here with me would everything be perfect. Really hope I can show them my New York one day. Everyone have there own view of New York. Some people fall for the magic some people just think New York is okay, nothing really special. And I really hope my family would fall for the magic and think New York is everything I think it is.

So this goes out to my family. I love you and miss you. You are the best family ever. And I'm blessed to have you in my life. And thanks.

"You are who you pretend to be, so be careful who you pretend to be." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

"all that i'm after is a life full of laughter"

"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

One day I'm going to call New York my home. The place I sleep and wake up in. Central Park is going to be the park I'm going to take my walk/jog in, and on sundays I'm just going to take a walk in my city, breath in the air and relax. I feel like I belong in New York, but New York got a way to do that to you.

Peace, love and New York

I smile because you are my sister, I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!

My sister got hit by lightning today. Nervous but I’m sure she will be fine. I have faith. My sister has such bad luck. She always gets hurt. My sister is my best friend. She is the one that is always there for me when no one else is. She also is the one that truly knows me. Life without my sister is impossible. Even if I sometimes want to kill her, I would die for her.

Peace, love and sisterhood.

''Never regret something that once made you smile.'' ~ Amber Deckers

It's the heart afraid of dying, that never learns to dance,It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance;

And I don’t know why
I’m feeling so sad tonight
But every time I look back
I see all of them who succeed
And it’s not me

I’m running in circles
Feeling down
Feeling like I’m jumping from an airplane
Without a parachute

I’m still here
Going in circles
Standing here at the same gate as before
I’m dying to know what to
Because when I smile
I show the world that I’m not broken
I’m not broken
I’m not broken

I will do my best to succeed
That someone will be me
So take a good look world
This is me
This is me
This is me

scars are souveniers you never lose

They can't break me

As long as I know who I am

They can't tell me who to be

Cause I'm not what they see

Yeah, the world is still sleepin while I keep on dreaming for me

And their words are just whispers and lies that

I'll never believe

I just want you to know who I am

I'm so happy. Life is just ... great.

I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that mountain peak up high

Hey, I made it I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope

When my back's against the ropes

I can feel it

I'm the world's greatest

Peace, love and fireworks

Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out

"There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all.”

Sometimes I find a picture of me that is real. Like this photo, my smile is real. I love those photos because often I find pictures that are fake, where I can see that the smile I give is not a real one. I love to smile, I really do. Because now I can finally do it again without being embarrassed by my braces. Smile is a good way of making you feel better and to make other people feel good.

So what’s the point of this? Really nothing. Just smile. And be happy. Life is more fun if you smile.

Cut my finger today with a knife. Really bad. Fainted after seeing all the blood. Hurts like hell. But I will live. While feeling like crap and wishing I was dead A said "See if from the bright side, now you can flirt with the doctors just like you flirt with the fireman". It made me feel good. Really good. Even if they sometimes drives me crazy I love them and I know they love me.